Carpe Somnium

Jesus Christ I'm not scared to die..

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 13:48:38 -0500

but I’m a little bit scared of what comes after.

Do I get the gold chariot, do I float through the ceiling?

Merry Christmas

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 03:44:59 -0600

It’s funny. I’ve been doing well these last months. Truly, I’m better than I’ve been since, well, back then. But these holidays have been terrible. I keep thinking about the little drool spots you’d have when I woke you up in the morning, like Christmas last year. I’m not going to show this to you, but I hope you find it. And I hope you believe me when I say, I truly wish that you are on your path to happiness. And I hope you can understand that you mean the world to me, and that I sincerely regret the way I drove you away.

Good night, and Merry Christmas.

Somewhere between happy.. And total fucking wreck.

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 19:22:49 -0500

Somewhere between happy..

And total fucking wreck.

30 minutes >.>

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 18:26:06 -0500

phew.

blahblahblahhhhhh

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 18:10:25 -0500

This girls been venting to me for like 20 minutessss

-______________________-

Everything I loved

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 17:40:50 -0500

became everything I lost.

I’ve said it ONCE

I’ve said it TWICE

I’ve said it a THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES.

I’m okay, I’m fine, it’s all just in my mind.

Last night was a blast!

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 17:26:13 -0500

The new panic! music sucksss, but they played Camisado, I write sins not tragedies, and a couple of other golden oldies so it was definitely worth it:] Especially since it was free haha.

Busy busy night ahead I think, I’m supposed to see like 7 different people at the same time >.< here we go!

When all we know is falling I’ll save something for you you who are all alone.
When everything is beautiful, when everything’s OK.
Even if it’s not OK I’ll say It’s all for you.

Panic! at the Disco

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 17:52:45 -0500

Is one of those bands that you are kinda meh about going to see live.

Then you find out that your friend is taking you.

And you’re like…

OMGWTFBBQ LET’S DO THIS SHIZZZ.

I’ve been waiting for this since 9th grade, it’s on!

stfuphilip: loogan—: STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND WATCH THE...

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 17:23:01 -0500

stfuphilip:

loogan—:

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND WATCH THE KITTENS GO DOWN THE SLIDE.

omg that first one was like omg halllp im fallin and the mama was like bitch get cho ass back here and the second kitten was like piece out muthafuckaz

SO CUTE

Photo

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 17:13:13 -0500

stfuphilip: I want his Jack Daniel’s sauce.

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 16:18:10 -0500

stfuphilip:

I want his Jack Daniel’s sauce.

Pissed.

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 15:55:36 -0500

Wells fargo has deemed my check unworthy. They put a hold on it until the 23rd. Why? “We detect a risky history of checks that may have bounced”… uhm… wtf? I’ve never bounced a check. Never. I called the bank and they say “Well it looks like your account is in great standing, I have no idea why it would do that, but we can’t check until tomorrow”..

RAGE!!!!!!!

Stupid.

This is the grace only we can bestow

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:26:05 -0500

This is the price you pay for loss of control

This is the break in the plan

This is the closest of calls

This is the reason you’re alone

This is the rise, and the fall.

We've been here far too long

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:21:04 -0500

And everything’s gone wrong.

So just say goodbye, and show some bravery.

Just say goodbye.. try not to make a scene..

I feel like that song pretty much defines the last several months. Saying goodbye to all the people I can’t live without.

And this is where it leaves me.

Jesus Christ I'm not scared of death, I'm a little bit scared of what comes after..

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 20:03:25 -0500

Do I get the gold chariot? Do I float through the ceiling?

I know you think that I’m someone you can trust, but I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up.

The only thing holding me together right now is God. And I never thought I’d say that.. but last weekend saved my life. I’ve sinned so much that I would have thought I deserve to go straight to hell. But now I see the truth. The belief I tried to fake for appearance’s sake has finally hit me, and no matter how miserable I am right now I know He will help me save my own life so that I can serve him.

Do you believe you’re missing out, that everything good is happening somewhere else? When there’s nobody in your bed, the nights run together.

This is all kind of a random ramble but I have to get this out. I have to

I wrote this nearly two years ago. I didn’t realize at the time that God was writing it with my own hand so that I’d know my way when everything went downhill.

I open the jar to find the sustenance I’ve taken for granted
But as I reach my small child’s hand in, I touch the bottom, finding nothing.
and the jar grows deeper, and wider, and the mouth opens up for me to fall in
but as I step back, there is another mouth, whispering words of encouragement.
“You’ll make it”
I hear the words in the chill down my back and arms when I see a beautiful thing
Hear a soft voice, see a happy picture.
Faith has found me.. or perhaps it never left
but I locked it out, boarded the windows and dead-bolted the door
because I knew I could find myself inside, alone.
but part of me is not something I’m born with
and without it, in that dark house, I can’t be seen in the light of the Son.

So do you think that we could work out a Sign? So I’ll know it’s you and that it’s over and I won’t even try..

I know you’re coming for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories

I miss you. I love you. I always will.
I don’t hate you for the things you’ve done to me.

I don’t hate you for the way you treated me.

I don’t hate myself for letting you do it.

I can never hate you. But only because I love you like you won’t ever fathom.

God loves you, and I hope you never abandon him like I did. I hope you’re never this miserable.

Oh Jesus, I’ve got vices like any other man. Vices that you’re so used to. Vices that won’t make you think less of me.

I feel the stabs on my wrists and ankles every time I try.. to forget you.

You made me what I am. Don’t you understand that? I’m a different person than I was...

Thu, 03 Feb 2011 04:29:31 -0600

You made me what I am. Don’t you understand that? I’m a different person than I was before you. I’d rather die than go back there. When you leave, you take everything I am, everything I have, with you. You are my heart, whether you like it or both.

I find it strange that you claim I’m clingy and it bothers you, yet I go to a movie and all of...

Thu, 30 Dec 2010 01:49:46 -0600

I find it strange that you claim I’m clingy and it bothers you, yet I go to a movie and all of a sudden I’m not worth talking to. It’s fucked up and it really hurts that I’m not expected to have a life while you can do whatever and talk to as many guys as you want. Why am I the bad guy here? Because I usually put up with it you just take it for granted that it’s okay to treat me like shit? I don’t appreciate that. The girl I know and love is too sweet to do that to someone she cares about. I don’t know who you’re changing into lately, but I don’t like her half as much.

Don’t you understand that I’m the man you dream about? I’m the guy in the movie...

Wed, 01 Dec 2010 00:41:45 -0600

Don’t you understand that I’m the man you dream about? I’m the guy in the movie that falls head over heels for the girl and gives her everything she dreams of. Im the one that jumps in front of the bus to push you to safety. I’m the one that gets mad and starts fights just so you’ll open up and tell me what you’re really feeling. I’ll do anything to make you happy. I’m the guy from all of those movies, I’m the one you dream about.. I just don’t look the part. You’re the girl that takes everything for granted. The one that gets mad when the guy falls on his face for you because he didn’t fall the right way. You’re the girl who is so busy looking forward at what might be, or backwards at what was, to look around you here and now and appreciate what you have. You’re the girl that’s so blinded by Hollywood love stories that you never believe could come true, even though you’re so obviously playing one out yourself. You’re the girl that can’t see what’s right in front of her.. and I’m going to have to play the man who walks away with what remains of his heart and hope you find yourself before it’s too late.

Goodnight.

I’ll leave but you’ll wish I stayed. You’ll regret all the things you said to...

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 02:54:25 -0600

I’ll leave but you’ll wish I stayed. You’ll regret all the things you said to me..

When you’re expecting the world to fall into your lap, it’s really easy to dismiss what you already have as insufficient. Wait too long and you’ll end up with nothing. Don’t be that girl that ends up alone because the guy who would die for you doesn’t look like Jake Gyllenhall and doesn’t knock you off your feet the moment you meet him.

I love you, Nicole.

Goodnight.

“I admit that I fucking hate your bows. I fucking hate your hair. I fucking love your eyes. I...

Thu, 28 Oct 2010 01:12:03 -0500

“I admit that I fucking hate your bows. I fucking hate your hair. I fucking love your eyes. I fucking hate that you text derek at 1:30 in the fucking morning.” -Nicole. Hahahaha